Don Iveson’s birthday mayhem


On this day, May 30th, our mayor Don Iveson turns 35. Don’s civic zeal and roguish good looks captured the hearts of the city as he cruised into city hall after a hard fought election last fall. He has much to celebrate, and he’s certainly earned it, but what happens when someone with that much power celebrates too much?

The normally even handed and diplomatic Iveson flew into a birthday rage today, starting early this morning. First, he woke himself and his family up at 4AM and insisted they sing Happy Birthday to him as the rising sun bathed him in golden light. Then, he pulled all city employees from their normal duties to wrap city hall in coloured paper so it would look “like a giant party hat.”

After seeing Maleficent at the Cineplex with other provincial mayors, Don Iveson blew out the candles on his angel food cake. Later, in the Boston Pizza Party Room, he was only able to extinguish 31 of the 35 flames. He got chided for having four girlfriends, prompting him to sulkily say he was full and didn’t want any cake. Then he confronted Becky Ames of Beaumont and John Whaley of Leduc County wanting to know why they didn’t get him annexation, like he asked, and instead got him a Greedo action figure and the Godzilla soundtrack on compact disc. They apologized and said they couldn’t do that and Don tried to strongarm them of their grab bags. Allegedly, his bizarre behaviour can be attributed to an overindulgence in “swamp water” (all the different kinds of pop, mixed together).

After storming out of the room, he immediately headed to city hall, which he dubbed “Don’s Party Castle”, and spent the $150 million given to the city for the SE LRT line on the world’s largest bouncy castle. Churchill Square is blasting Lesley Gore’s It’s My Party as he bounces alone in the enormous inflated castle. City Council held an emergency meeting and passed a motion 9-3 to tell Iveson he’s just grumpy, and are currently in deliberations to decide who should be the one to tell him. With any luck Mayor Iveson will be sedated with an afternoon nap before any further birthday mayhem occurs.

More to come


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