This morning, Thomas Lukaszuk has announced he will be running for leadership of Alberta’s Progressive Conservative Party. In an age of sound bites, cliff notes, and $3 teen burgers, it can be difficult to get to know candidates in an election. So, here’s some handy factoids that you can trot out at parties and funerals in order to appear well educated, thoughtful, and fuckable.
1) Before entering politics, Lukaszuk was a social studies teacher.
2) He is the first ever Polish-born person to be elected to a Canadian legislature.
3) Originally, Lukaszuk had lost the 2004 election by five votes. An automatic recount indicated in reality he had lost by three votes. He appealed the recount, disputing a number of rejected ballots, leading him to a victory of three votes. The six ballots that were eventually accepted and won him the election were initially rejected as juvenile pranks because the registered voters’ last name was Poopenheimer. In reality, the Poopenheimers are an old money conservative family of Illuminati that dictate the outcome of virtually every North American election.
4) Following a promise by the party to increase post-secondary funding by 2%, the 2013 budget instead cut funding by 7.2%. Lukaszuk was the Minister of Enterprise and Advanced Education at the time. He did, however, say that as soon as money came available, he would be the first to make sure it went back to the Universities.
5) If you thought my “Poopenheimer” joke was lowbrow, get a load of this hut nug: After Edmonton mayor Stephen Mandel admonished the province for their cuts to education in a speech, Lukaszuk commented “I don’t know who pissed into his cornflakes.”
6) Several months after the cuts, and 900 lost faculty jobs across the province, he announced $142.5 million had become available to build a new engineering building at the University of Calgary. When asked why the money wasn’t distributed back to all institutions as promised, Lukaszuk retorted “who pooped in your Cocoa Puffs?”
7) When Thomas Lukaszuk’s wife lectured him for not getting the garbage out on time, Lukaszuk responded “who hurled on your eggs benny?”
The only other confirmed candidate for leadership is former vice chairman of CIBC Jim Prentice. When asked if he had any words for his opponent, Lukaszuk stated “I’m going to fart on his breakfast bagel.”