In one day it’s April. Trees and flowers all around us will bloom into lusty rainbows and pheromones will hang in the air like a viscous mist. Humans do not have the luxury of wind and bumblebees to deposit genetic material into necessary orifices of even more genetic material, so we must make do with a fumbling courtship process alternatively described as “sweaty” and “jarring”. Thankfully humans invented self-cleaning ovens, Pez dispensers, chloroflourocarbons, and so too have we discovered ways to ease this brutal process. Location is key. Take note bachelors, bachelorettes, and swingers. Here are the top five places in Edmonton to go on a first date.
5) The river valley. The largest expanse of urban parkland in North America, there is no greater aphrodisiac than towering trees, babbling brooks, and drunk teenagers. Bridges, paths, and campsites criss-cross the valley like fishnet stockings, at sunset the entire valley is cast through the tinted glass of a rose coloured hue. And when the sun disappears, pimple faced flocks of high school kids descend into the deep dark to act out their torrid fantasies (holding hands, talking loudly about how they’re not afraid of cops, drinking twelve Pina Colada Bacardi Breezers, puking, getting caught by their friend’s mom).
4) West Edmonton Mall. Known as WEM (pronounced ‘wheeegggmmm) by the locals, West Edmonton Mall has everything. First, woo your date with a heart shaped pizza at Boston Pizza. Be sure to do that funny joke where you stick the whole pizza under your shirt and act like it’s your real heart. Once stomachs are full and hearts full of mirth, play some mini-golf. If you’re male, do that funny joke where you pretend your putter is a big boner, and if you’re female, do that joke where you pretend your putter is an engorged left nipple. Now that you’ve demonstrated that you’re adequately sporty (and hilarious!!), go to the world’s second largest indoor amusement park. Even if it take hours and nearly one hundred dollars, spray water into a clowns mouth with a squirt gun until you win your date an oversized plush toy of Porky Pig. Once you’ve won it do that funny joke where you Hump the Pig.
Recycled air keeps everyone in the sprawling mall from asphyxiating, so whether they like it or not, you’ll be breathing your date’s breath. In symmetrical heartbeat two lovers become one, souls entwined like dander dancing in wind’s grasp.
3) Any of the city’s many theatres. On any given night there is a variety of both locally produced and touring shows throughout Edmonton. Remember, there’s nothing sexier than an ensuing forty minute explanation about how you can tell the director and actors don’t know shit about ______ (playwright in question) because of that entry level university class you took that one time. If your date tries to interject with either agreement or disagreement, chuckle softly and continue as if they hadn’t said anything.
2) Troy’s house party. You know that guy that’s buds with my ex? Yeah, he’s having a party. I don’t know if anyone you know will be there, but it’s cool. You don’t mind mingling do you? Hey great. I’m just gonna leave you here alone in the kitchen for a minute while I go to the basement and get super baked.
1) The nightlife. Edmonton is a young city with a vibrant nightlife. Go to the famous Whyte Avenue and get rowdy. Upscale cocktails to landfill swill, there’s enough dives, bars, clubs, lounges, ultralounges and gigalounges to suit the tastes of all fledgling breeders. You don’t even have to go inside to drink in the electric energy. Throngs of inebriated citizens stumble the strip in the Sisyphean quest for validation. Shouting through tears of rage and happiness, raising their hands to the night’s sky in ecstasy, everyone is perpetually one $9 shot away from a one night stand or getting their nose bitten off in a bar fight. Truly, this is the perfect place to woo a prospective partner in life, love, and all things between.
So that’s it. Spring is upon us, and if you can’t find true love now then you’ve nothing to blame but your bad sense of style and even worse personality. Go forth, and may Cupid’s arrow taste thine flesh.
YEGaffairs 
See you at Troy’s.
Gigalounges was hilarious to me.